


Up the pole

by DoctorDalek



Series: Flatmates of Doom [5]
Category: Yu-Gi-Oh the Abridged Series, Yu-Gi-Oh!, Yu-Gi-Oh! Series
Genre: Happy Hermaphrodite Halloween 2017, Hermaphrodite!Alister, Hermaphrodite!Mai, Hermaphrodites, Innuendoes, Multi, Non-Graphic Smut, Pole Dancing, Pole Dancing Alister, Pregnancy Jokes, Revengeshipping - Freeform, The power of the Orichalcos, Warshipping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-31
Updated: 2017-10-31
Packaged: 2019-01-27 07:11:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12576444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoctorDalek/pseuds/DoctorDalek
Summary: Rafael, Valon and Seto unveil the terrible truth behind the power of the Orichalcos.And Alister is up the pole.Quite literally.





	Up the pole

“So is this supposed to go in there...?”

“Strewth Rafael, you’re talking like Alister. No hold _that_ and I’ll fix it with a screw over there.”

After adjusting aforesaid screw Rafael and Valon took a step back from the masterpiece of workmanship.  
“Looks good, doesn’t it, “Valon said proudly, “Alister you should give it a try.”

Alister arose from their sofa, well most of Alister; his extremely bulging belly tended to lag behind a bit.  
“What if I break my back,” he asked while climbing up the construction,” what if it breaks?”  
“What if his water breaks?” Rafael said adding to the amount of unnecessary questions.   
Valon shushed him into silence. They both watched Alister attentively.   
“What did we need a pole dancing pole in our living room for?” Rafael asked as both of the watched Alister twisting up and down the pole expertly.  
“Because,” and there Valon paused grinning like a dingo on speed, “Alister is up the pole.”

Rafael folded his arms, glowering at Valon in silence. “You know your soul deserved to be fed to the Orichalcos for this,” Rafael said at last.   
“Worth it,” Valon chuckled.   
Alister turned upside down, slithered slowly downwards along the pole.   
“I don’t get it,” he remarked while eyeing his flatmates wonderingly.   
“Never mind,” Rafael said while collapsing into the sofa.   
Valon joined him and they watched Alister performing excellent moves on the pole.   
“Would be a lot more sexy if it wasn’t for the giant stomach,” Rafel sighed.   
“I heard that,” Alister shrieked, sounding hurt.   
“But you’ve got to admit it sure is fascinating how it’s defying gravity and all,” Valon added, watching Alister with a strange fascination in his eyes, “Puts you in mind of a planet spinning in space...so perfectly round and almost weightless...”  
“If you could stop drooling over him for just a minute,” Rafael scolded him, “it’s a mystery why you haven’t gotten that girl of yours into trouble already.”  
Valon shrugged. He seemed to watch Alister indifferently now.

“She turned you down?” Rafael deducted, but Valon shook his head.   
“’twas the other way round,” Valon replied, sighing with the deep dissatisfaction only those unhappy in love can show.  
“ _You_ turned her down,” Rafael asked disbelievingly.   
“Can I stop now,” Alister asked while he twirled around his own axis.   
“No,” said Rafael, “I’m starting to enjoy it.   
He turned to Valon again.   
“ _You_ turned down a girl, you, you randy bastard?”   
“Wasn’t the first Sheila I dropped like a hot potato,” Valon stretched to get comfortable again.   
“Yeah, but I expect the other one was burning in a bushfire, otherwise you wouldn’t have dropped her,” Rafael retorted.

“I don’t have to shag every girl, I can get.”  
“Yes, you do,” Rafael corrected him, “you even have to shag those who are too drunk to say no, to get your tip wet once in a while.”  
Valon harrumphed.   
“So tell me,” Rafael asked after turning on music to make the whole situation less awkward, “What happened?”  
Valon shook his head while folding his arms. “Believe me, you don’t wanna know,” he sighed.   
“You were just too immature for her,” Rafael pointed out, “you can’t handle a strong, independent woman.”

“She’s not the woman I loved,” Valon sighed sounding almost depressed, “not anymore anyway...”  
“What’s that supposed to mean,” Rafael asked while getting some beverages from the kitchen.

At which point the front door cracked as it got kicked in.

Rafael and Valon turned to watch a furious Seto Kaiba enter their flat.   
“Alright, you amateurs. Who hacked into my computer to deliver those grotesque pictures and stupid messages!”  
Kaiba stopped dumbfounded in the door watching Alister, who due to the loud music was oblivious to his arrival and was still busy working his way up and down the pole.

Kaiba’s jaw dropped. He turned even paler than usual. “That’s...really messed up...”

“Oi, mate, you didn’t have to kick our door down,” Valon protested, “how about knocking?”

Rafael pressed a bottle into Kaiba’s hand while patting him on the back. “Sit down, I’ll get another one.” He left for the small kitchen.  
Kaiba sat down awkwardly, his limbs stiff, his face frozen in a vacant and slightly disgusted expression.

Valon leaned back, absent-mindedly placing a hand around Kaiba’s shoulders. Their eyes synchronized in movement as they watched Alister bob up and down around the pole.   
“A cutie, ain’t he?” Valon asked after Kaiba had managed to pull one arm upwards and force the beverage’s bottle against his lip.   
“Stunning,” Kaiba retorted, “And it’s so... spherical...”  
“He’s due in two days,” Valon explained. He took another sip, “Cheers mate.”

Kaiba gulped. He shuddered.  
After trying to get rid of the awful taste, which he unfortunately tried to do by taking another sip, he treated the bottle to a scrutinizing glare.

“What the devil is that?” he asked.

“Deflowering soda,” replied Rafael through the door.   
“Passion pop,” corrected Valon.   
“Same thing,” Rafael retorted while pushing Kaiba into the middle of the sofa to wedge him in between the two of them, “As soon as you’ve passed out from drinking one too many you’re bound to lose your virginity.”

Kaiba sipped his passion pop quietly until his hands stopped shaking.   
When he’d regained his voice again he sounded almost threatening again: “Alright, enough of this. I demand to know who sent me those mails that got me coming here to get traumatized. Who of you filthy perverts sent me the pictures of that enormous bulging... of Alister’s bulging stomach?”

His eyes swivelled sideways; first to Rafael then towards Valon. If any of them had a guilty conscience they were hiding it damn well.

“Why would we do any of that?” Rafael asked as, at least in his opinion, Kaiba’s eyes had rested a bit too long on him, “That’s ridiculous.”  
“Besides,” Valon added, “this makes absolutely no sense. You knew Alister was a shemale the first time you saw him, right?”   
“Oi,” Alister protested from somewhere up the pole. Though he didn’t sound as offended as they had expected.

“I didn’t know, no,” Kaiba retorted, a bit taken aback, “That was until I had seen him in my aeroplane, in the nude.”   
Both Rafael and Valon turned to face him with an air of mild bemusement.   
“Go on,” Rafael invited him to share further details with them.   
“I mean...” Kaiba’s cheeks reddened which was, Rafael and Valon had to admit, a sight to behold.   
“You shagged him in your copter while he had no soul? Talk about (a pervert),” Valon burst out.   
“I... I thought he was going to die anyway,” Kaiba tried defending his actions.   
“That’s really messed up,” Rafael said.

“Well, you can’t blame me, can you?” Kaiba went on, “I mean, he’d just tried to kill me and my little brother. For the second time. And I was just trying to get him out of these uncomfortable clothes when...”   
Kaiba looked for any sign of compassion in Rafael’s face but he found none.  
Meanwhile Valon had lost interest again and was encouraging Alister to continue dancing.

“When I discovered his... I was almost shocked to see that even down _there_ his hair was red. Okay, I seized the opportunity and gave his fanny a good scrubbing. It was like a dream. Beating him in a card game and then having a cute cunt to poke...”

“Wait, what?” Valon asked, suddenly all ears.   
“It was the after-shock of the duel,” Kaiba explained, “It kind of took over when I saw him naked.”   
“Understandable but not pardonable,” Rafael retorted, “You should have braced yourself.”

“How was I supposed to know that Alister was a woman?” Kaiba tried defending himself again.   
“He’s not,” Valon insisted.   
“He is a man,” Rafael began, “Kinda... sort of.”  
“What do you mean, sort of?” Valon protested, “He hasn’t got a fanny.”   
“Yes he does,” Kaiba blurted out. Rafael nodded his ascent.  
If Alister hadn’t had wrapped his legs around the pole in time he would have fallen off as he buried his deep-red face in his hands shamefaced.

“Fuck off mate,” Valon insisted, “He’s not a girl. He doesn’t...” He changed his mind and turned to Alister: “Take off your pants.”

“No!” shrieked Alister while climbing higher up the pole, “And you can all piss off.”

“So you’re another possible candidate for fatherhood,” Rafael summed up.   
“But I always fucked his ass!” Valon persisted before cursing under his breath.   
“And he’s just withdrawn his candidateship,” Rafael pointed out.

“But I never saw his fanny,” Valon wailed.   
“That’s because you were too drunk,” Rafael stated levelly.   
“He never had one first time _I_ checked,” Valon went on.   
“He didn’t have one back then,” Rafael agreed.   
“How come?” Valon asked.

“Power of the Orichalcos,” Rafael explained lamely.   
“Sod off,” Alister croaked. He managed to swirl past with arms crossed without losing his balance before climbing up the pole again.  
“It’s as simple as that,” Rafael reassured him, “The Orichalcos’ true power remained a mystery even to our Lord Dartz. It can control the mind and outplay the body in its current state being. It could have changed the world...”  
“But in the end it only changed what’s down Alister’s knickers,” Valon tried to digest what he’d just heard, “Wait a minute you twat. Does that mean that Mai...”

“Well, what did she tell you?” Rafael asked.   
“She said she wasn’t the woman I loved...” Valon sagged as it began to dawn on him, “I’ve got the hots for a guy. And I thought I got a moisty with firm knockers.”

Rafael ts-tsked.  
“Tough luck. Maybe she’ll stick it up your arse. But look on the bright side. At least she got tits. Alister just got a fanny.”

Kaiba looked back and forth between his two couch mates.   
“And did you happen to keep your...sexual characteristics?” he asked wonderingly.   
Rafael treated his crotch to a long stare.   
“Last time I checked,” Rafael agreed with just a hint of worry.

“So none of you sent me those pictures?” Kaiba asked inquisitively, literally rubbing them under Rafael’s nose. Rafael went through them.”  
“Alister...?” he asked nonchalantly, “Did you send Kaiba photographs of your severely disfigured abdomen?”

Alister sniffled while swinging past them expertly.   
“I admit it,” he blurted out in a high-pitched voice, “Because it’s his and I wanted to let him know that we’re going to be parents.”  
Valon, visibly intoxicated after the shocks of his discovery concerning his former relationship with Mai, raised his glass to Kaiba.   
“Cheers mate.”

“It’s not mine!” Kaiba snapped while struggling to his feet, “I screwed you only once.”  
“Once is all it needed,” Alister voice almost dropped to a wail, “It’s yours and I know it! And I’m not coming down from up here until you tell me that you want to keep it.”

Rafael patted Kaiba on the back empathetically. “You have to forgive him,” he whispered, “It’s the hormones. He’s been like that for the past few weeks. Alternating between Euphoria and fury. And crying.”

Kaiba sank back into the couch, Rafael retrieved the empty bottled from his hands to switch it for a full one.   
“Try not to let it get to you.”   
Kaiba sighed while putting his drink down. He rested his head in his hands.   
“This is insane.”  
“You’ll get used to it,” Rafael assured him.

“What’s that?” Kaiba asked as the three of them noticed the trickling sound originating from somewhere near the ceiling.   
“Don’t tell me we’ve got a leak again,” Rafael grunted while he got to his feet; he shot Valon a questioning look “Is it possible that you’ve drilled into the pipe while affixing that pole?”  
“You were the one who drilled the holes,” Valon snapped, “unnaturally large ones, too.”

Kaiba spotted the puddle and looked upwards in horror

“I think...” Alister piped up from somewhere above their heads, “I think my water broke...”


End file.
